Monday, March 9, 2009

Loath to Make Plans

I keep clicking on the calendar in the bottom-right corner of the screen… considering my tentative travel plans. One week in Paris, and another in Barcelona. Or maybe splitting the second week into Barcelona and some other place. Exciting, isn’t it? It is, but the one thing holding me back from making all my reservations is a lack of communication… Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could share the experience with friends? I have three friends in Paris who I would like to see. I’ve sent them notes through email and Facebook – days ago – but I haven’t received a reply. Janice and I have been talking for ages about going to Barcelona together. I’ve been trying to meet up with her to discuss it, and that’s been a problem; finally, I asked her if she’s even still interested – via email – and she told me that she’s got some plans coming up that conflict with the dates I need to travel on. I’d put it off to accommodate her plans… really, I would… but I’m spending a lot of money and wasting a lot of time as it is. My parents gave me a very nice sum of money at the start of this adventure, and most of it’s gone. London’s an expensive city, and the economy is pretty unforgiving, especially to someone who intends to stay only temporarily. But let’s not go into that. It’s too depressing a thought, and I’ve already been there, many times.

I’m still holding on to the notion of sharing my travels… So clicking the “Send/Receive” button on Outlook and refreshing Facebook is becoming a semi-obsessive habit. I’m anxious, and I’m beginning to get a little paranoid. Am I being ignored? Is there something wrong with me? Is something wrong with the website/my email/their computers/etc.? I’ve thought about a few people that I’ve lost contact with over time, and have begun to ask the same questions all over again. It’s unsettling. And if in fact there is something technical at fault, or my messages have simply gone unnoticed, what if it all comes together after it’s too late? I *hate* making decisions like these…

I’ve also got to book my return flight to LA. And even in that case I’m having doubts. Just one little click decides how much time I’ve got before I close another chapter in my life. As much as I love my family and friends back home, I am truly reluctant to return. I felt so stuck there. Especially after graduation. Sitting in my bedroom, I was in the one place where my world felt unchangeable, in a very negative way. It’s a place for clinging to childhood and feeling guilty for not suddenly transforming into a productive adult. And god, in that place, I really hate that phrase.

And so, my browser remains on a dozen or so travel websites, reservations just a click away… and it’s been that way for two or three days, exactly the same. I’m considering clicking a fairly distant date – a week or two after my supposed return from the continent. Agneta assures me that she’ll have a flat by then, and I can stay with her. I just don’t know how many days will be an excess, especially on my finances. And by the way, just why have round-trip flights come up on these websites at incredibly low prices than the single trip ones? I mean, really… it’s ridiculous! I may have to buy a round-trip ticket and then feel a bit guilty for burning the second trip.

Oh, and also: I haven’t done ANY packing, nor any shipping yet! I’m sure I’ll be rushing it all at the very last minute.

TOMORROW’S PLAN: Greenwich Observatory, with Kate (11:30 AM). One of a few places I’ve long intended to visit.

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